m i s s k u r d a p y a

i guess I feel like I can write almost anything here...because most of the people I know for real who read this have seen me in my darkest moments...and I can say anything to them. the rest of you...well I don't really know you so it doesn't matter too much what I say....you wont have much to connect it with except your own life separate from mine...which is nice.
my heart is a strange thing. love never ceases to rule it, and never leaves for a moment as the guide for my life....but love of what?
I used to love a lot that I don't anymore. So the same passion is there, just directed at different things. I used to love passion for another person...to give my life to someone so mercilessly and selflessly, because it felt right. I guess that's the soul's calling to realize that you must detach attachment form self away and onto true soul realization. Attachment to non-attachment.
I don't even miss living and breathing for someone else, and it used to be my life...even when it caused more pain than a thousand burning needles. It was feeling, which fed me every day. I loved running out in the middle of the night to fetch something a love one had casually requested. I'm so good at servitude, which is ridiculous. We're never meant to be spending our lives just doing what we're good at...that's stagnation. Learning must always occur...and that means struggle. I am good at self-sacrifice. Let's move on now.
And I did...and forgot self-sacrifice for so long, and it was presented to me on a silver platter when I wasn't looking...when I had my eyes closed from guys for the first time in my life...so when I got it, self-sacrifice became ok again...healthy again because it wasn't one sided.
I found myself reverting a little today. I felt a pull to care, and to nurture someone I had spent years of my life nurturing and caring for as much as anyone could...giving my heart and soul to. I found tears in my eyes when I walked away remembering that feeling of belonging to another, of them looking to you for their world and of feeling so needed. I turned on the radio and heard a song dedicated a thousand times over on CD's and goodbye's...always so many goodbyes.
But that never made me happy. I'm happy now because I'm loved for who I am, not the guidance and sanctuary I give....I'm not loved for what I give but I do give what love I have, and my heart and soul